Send Some Love

One of my favourite adoption bloggers, Gina over at One in Five Million posted a few days ago about delays in her adoption process from the Democratic Republic of the Congo. I meant to ask everyone to send her some love a few days ago, but I forgot to post it. I can only imagine how hard it must be to have your daughter stuck in an orphanage and not be allowed to be together. Please stop by and send her some positive thoughts to get her through this tough time.

Decisions Decisions

I can't say I've ever been known to be decisive. I can make adventurous (maybe even reckless) last minute decisions, but when I'm given all the the time in the world to decide what I want to do, I find it really tough to decide.

 

I had my HSG test today. As I expected, everything turned out fine. My uterus and fallopian tubes are healthy and functioning. I also did Day-3 bloodwork yesterday and I am scheduled to do some more bloodwork on Day 19 of my cycle to confirm I am ovulating. I've already done all this hormonal testing before with my family physician, but my OBGYN wanted to do the tests again. This way if I decide to do IUI with clomid I'm ready to go. Prior to this week, I've never been to an OBGYN. I've done all my testing through my family physician, but when I went to see him after my second failed IVF he wanted me to see a specialist.

 

I got in to see my OBGYN a few weeks after I was referred and my first impression of her was great. She didn't seem rushed at all as I went on about my adventures in trying to conceive. After the whole sob story was finished, She went on to succeed where everyone else had failed, in assuring me that IVF fails because that's the way the cookie crumbles. Just because I've had two failed IVFs doesn't mean anything is wrong with me. IVF is not 100% and we've just had bad luck. She was a very sweet woman. Did I mention she was also sporting a pregnant belly? I was forewarned by one of my best friends' Mom over a BBQ last weekend, when I mentioned that I'd be seeing this particular new Dr. for my infertility treatments that she was pregnant, so I was mentally prepared to see the belly before I met her. I was surprised that I liked her so much despite the fact that I had to spill my guts about three years of infertility to a woman I'd just met, with the most gorgeous pregnant body I've ever seen...you know- huge boobs, nice round belly and fit everywhere else. (just the way your patients will see you soon jAllen) Anyway, she was a great Doctor. I was disappointed when I  realized that even if I do wind up pregnant, she won't be around for most of it because she'll be off on Maternity leave... but I suppose I'm getting ahead of myself now.

 

After all this testing is done, I don't know what I want to do moving forward. I thought I'd given up on my frozen embryos in Mexico, but sometimes they pop into my mind and I wonder if I should go back and give them a shot. I paid to have them frozen afterall. It's just that I can't help but think those embryos are doomed to fail if the best two embryos of the cycle were transferred and failed. I have one blast and two morulas left. I emailed the clinic to ask for more information regarding the protocol for FET and if I could get my Dr's input on my chance for success. Now I'm just waiting to hear back from them.

 

Also, a friend I met during my first cycle in Mexico (who just delivered a gorgeous baby boy) offered me her frozen embryos, so that is another option I have to consider. Amazingly, she looks so much like me that the Dr. actually thought I was her when I went back to Mexico! This option is on my mind, but I think I would try my own embryos first before moving on to donor embryos. The best thing about this scenario is that I actually really like her, so having an open adoption with her and her family doesn't scare me at all. I know from all the adoption research I've done that open adoptions are very healthy for the children, so I like that aspect of adopting her embryos.

 

Oh, and remember how I said I applied for a job in international development a few days after returning from Mexico? Yeah, they emailed me for an interview today. The job is in Guyana and the job description says I must be willing to travel on a motorcycle by myself to the hinterland to work with the Amerindian population bordering Brazil. They said if I don't reply to the email they will assume I am no longer interested. As adventurous as living in the West Indies sounds, I think I have far too much on my plate right now to take off for 6 months Although it would be pretty awesome, I know I would miss my hubby too much to be apart for so long (again). I think my time working abroad is over and I need to focus on my life in Canada. I really need to stop applying for these jobs.

 

IUI, Frozen Embryo Transfer, Embryo Adoption, Traditional Adoption, living child-free and travelling the world.... we've got a lot of options!! Now I am just waiting for my heart to decide what to do next.





 

 

Frozen Embryos

 

 

Breathe Deep and Let Go

It's been a long time since I've been asked the dreaded question: "when are you two going to have a baby?" It's not fun to answer when you've been trying as long as I have, and its certainly not something I want to discuss at a party. But for the record, I know I've said this to other couples before I knew better. I've also asked "when are you two going to get engaged??" to a woman who is just dying for a ring. Having personally made these mistakes before, I don't blame people who ask me why we haven't started a family yet. I know the thought never even crosses their mind that we could be unintentionally childless. So when this lady loudly stated to my husband that she's waiting for us to have babies and what's taking us so long! I just kept looking straight ahead (she was behind me) and shook my head. Then I promptly decided to stop drinking the tea I had in my hand in favour of sneaking off with Andino to my in-laws for a double shot of Captain Morgans. I must say it was a good decision because I ended up having a great time for the rest of my Saturday night!

Sunday was the third Mothers Day that has passed since I started trying to have a child. The first Mothers Day wasn't too hard because I'd only been trying to have a baby for a few months. Aside from my woman's intuition that something was up, we were still blissfully unaware that we had any fertility issues. The second Mothers Day we were knee-deep in the adoption process and although it was a little difficult because I didn't know how long it would take to have my children home with me, I was confident it would happen. I soothed any sad feelings I had on Mothers day 2012 by telling myself that I already was a Mother because my children had already been born, I just hadn't met them yet because they were in a Colombian orphanage.

This Mother's day was kind of tough. I realized that although more than three years has passed since I tossed my birth control pills (not counting the ones I took as part of my IVF protocol, but you know what I mean) I feel further away than ever from becoming a Mom. Over the last year, we've had two failed fresh IVF cycles and found out that we can't re-start the adoption process for another year and a half. I never let myself dwell on negative thoughts, but I let myself have a bad day yesterday. After everything I've been through, I deserved a "poor me" day.

Today is a better day. I used my usual strategy of reminding myself of all the things I have to be grateful for and I felt a lot better. Tomorrow, I have an appointment with a new fertility specialist and I'm looking forward to (hopefully) getting some answers. As for yesterday, (kind of fitting for a post about Mothers day) my Mom always told me that sometimes having a good cry is healthy for you. I'm glad I let it out yesterday.

Happy Mothers Day

... to all the mothers at heart,
those who haven't yet met their children,
those who's children are angels,
those who take on the role of Mom without fitting into the mold,
those who are not parenting the children they gave birth to...

To all of us who have come to dislike Mothers Day because we feel left behind,
this is our day too.
We are mothers too.

Copied from my dear friend Gen at Cinnamon Baby

Evil Eye Stories

I have been thinking a lot about energy lately. I am a really superstitious person, so I've always been interested in the concept of the evil eye which is believed by many cultures around the world. Just for the record, I do believe in the evil eye, but I don't think I believe in it to the extent of the stories below. I am fascinated by these stories though, and I do believe there is some truth to them. How much truth, I don't know.

I remember a story my friend told me when I lived in Mozambique. She was pregnant and told me that a pregnant lady should always try her best to be nice to everyone and not cause problems with people. This was her third pregnancy, and she didn't want the same thing to happen to her as last time. Her first pregnancy went very smoothly and she was a happy pregnant lady. Her delivery went well and her first baby was an easy baby - slept well, ate well - no problem. Then, during her second pregnancy she got in a few arguments with another lady (a lady who was well-known in the community to be negative and a trouble starter!) and her second baby turned out to be much more challenging in the first few months. (I'm sure the baby was colicky) My friend believed it was caused by the mean lady's evil eye.

A friend from Ethiopia told me that you should do your best to cover your baby in public. You don't want people staring at your precious little bundle of joy. When the baby is older and can't be covered all the time, you should put a piece of jewelry on the arm or around the stomach to attract the onlookers eye away from staring straight at the baby. Actually, many cultures believe that babies are especially susceptible to the evil eye.

This video of the effect positive and negative energy have on water, deepened my belief in my superstitions even further.

I have a million other stories that I've picked up over the years on this topic, maybe I will tell some more later. What about you guys? Do you believe in the evil eye or other superstitions? Does your culture have any similar stories about babies?

Here are some more links to the evil eye if anyone wants to read more:
http://pregnancyandchildbirtharoundtheworld.blogspot.ca/2012/03/20-pregnancy-superstitions.html
http://www.babycenter.com/0_baby-care-traditions-in-hispanic-culture_3654465.bc?page=3
http://www.humptybumptykids.com/protecting-baby-evil-eye/
http://www.latinabroad.com/2011/08/15/mexican-superstitions-part-6-of-series/

Adoptive Families and Destiny

Yesterday I had the opportunity to chat with an adoptive Mom. I was thrilled to be able to ask her a few questions, while trying not to overstep my bounds. In my line of work, it is not uncommon for me to meet adoptive families because any child who is born outside of Canada has to come to my office to be registered for school. All of my colleagues know I am interested in adoption, so when a conspicuous family comes in, the girls at the front desk come into my office and say things like "Gypsy Mama, did you see that family with the adopted daughter who just came in? Go talk to the Mom!" As much as I would love to talk to them, I've never approached an adoptive parent before, out of respect for their privacy and also because of this video by one of my favourite bloggers (and also the blog I've been following for the longest time) Kristen Howerton from Rage Against The Minivan:

Can you imagine if chidren conceived through assisted reproduction were as conspicuous as some adopted children? And those Moms were asked how much their child cost while waiting in line at the grocery store? To me it's obviously the same thing. You don't pay for the children, you pay for the process whether that be ultrasounds and drugs or paperwork and agency fees.

The Mom I chatted with yesterday was really open and she was the one who brought up her adoption process. I told her I had been in the process before and was still considering adoption. She told me she would love to adopt again if it weren't for the astronomical cost. I told her I was quoted $40,000 to adopt from Zambia. $24,000 for the actual adoption process and an additional $16,000 for flights, visas and living expenses while living in country for 5-6 months. (Having lived in neighbouring Mozambique for 6 months and spending less than 6,000 that entire time, including travelling to Tanzania & Malawi, I'm confident I would not spend $16,000 on living expenses, but it's still a lot of money!)

It was nice to talk about adoption with this Mom. I don't know if I will ever adopt, but I am still passionate about adoption and love talking about it. For a number of reasons, Andino and I are not able to adopt at the moment. It's not only the cost, because I know we could fundraise, it's because we don't meet all of the requirements to be adoptive parents and we won't for at least another year. I've spent countless hours researching adoption and even if I never get to experience being an adoptive Mama, I don't regret for a second learning so much about the process. My favourite part of all my research was finding videos like this:

After hours and hours of daydreaming about the path my life will take, then planning how to get there, I am finally reaching the point where I am able to just let go and let destiny take its course.

Waiting to Return to Chile

I've been trying not to let every minute of spare time I have revolve around babies. It's not easy, because my mind has such a habit of going there, that I really have to make an effort to think of other things. And don't get me started on google. I've googled every possible natural supplement that my husband and I could take, every test we could do, read every possible outcome of treatment. I know which countries are the most expensive and have the longest wait times for international adoption. It's exhausting, really.

When did I become so obsessed? In the beginning when we were still trying naturally, I researched things liked timed intercourse and how to track ovulation. When we were diagnosed with infertility, it was a smooth transition into researching Assisted Reproduction and International Adoption. To be honest, I am so ready for all of this to be over, one way or another. I want my normal life back. (Not that I've ever been normal, but what is normal anyway?) I want the life back where Andino and I are counting down the days until our next great adventure. I want to research things to do in Cajon del Maipo or plan my dream retirement.

Andino has said many times "As soon as you tell me you are pregnant, we are going to Chile!" We live to travel. Ideally, we want to go home (Nova Scotia & Chile) once a year. We were doing that for the first two years of marriage until infertility struck. Then all of our travel plans got put on hold. Which is understandable - assisted reproduction is expensive and we are lucky to be able to afford it at all!

It's been two weeks exactly since I found out IVF #2 failed. Sometimes I am a little hard on myself that I'm still so moody about it, but then I realize that 2 weeks is really not that long all things considered. I've been seriously considering taking a break from all things baby for a while, perhaps taking another job in international development. You know, escape reality for a few months... but then I read a comment on my last post from Aubrey of Two Hearts and One Dream. She said "I've told my husband time and time again that I just want to move far, far away (from all of this!). Though, no matter where I am, I know "this" will follow." I thought about what she said for a while, and I knew she was right. I could travel now and I'm sure I'd love it. But in the end, I would still be coming home to more tests, treatments and two week waits. I want a baby, so I might as well face it all now. I know something will work eventually... and I'm really hoping that I will get to see that much awaited second pink line in 2013.

Chile, 2009

 

Chile, 2010